I went for some tests – an endoscopy in fact – in hospital
the other day. As the nurse was doing the booking in form with me, she was
remarking that everything was normal – blood pressure, textbook 120/80;
temperature, normal; oxygen level, 97%; no asthma, no diabetes; and so on. She
was waiting to hear something abnormal that might indicate why I needed to be
there. It was only the question about medical history that gave her the answer,
and as she asked she noticed the size of my file on the desk in front of her!
I told her briefly about the non-Hodgkins lymphoma, the
treatment in 2010 and the recent relapse and retreatment. She remarked that it
was good that I still remained cheerful, I was still smiling, because she
reckoned that was unusual.
It’s not the only time someone has remarked on my positive
attitude. A few times when I have had to break the news about my illness to friends or
acquaintances that I haven’t been in touch with for a while they’ve said even
my emails convey a positive outlook. They think it’s remarkable that I am not
full of self-pity or despondency.
It just made me wonder, is it really that unusual? It’s not
something I was conscious of. I was just getting on with things, having the
treatment, doing what needs to be done to get through. I wasn’t consciously
trying to be anything. I just don’t see the point in worrying about stuff. I
accept the way things are. I’m not bitter. It’s just stuff to get through that
is not as easy as normal life. And really, to be honest, for me cancer has been
just a bit unpleasant, but nothing grotesquely painful (so far); although I
accept that the NHS will have spent thousands and thousands of pounds making it
just unpleasant rather than deadly!
I know I’ve published similar thoughts on this blog before,
but sometimes I don’t appreciate how unusual it is to feel that way. I still
don’t really believe it is unusual. I haven’t personally met many fellow sufferers that
have been openly despondent or depressed. So maybe people are just buttering me
up to be encouraging!
Whether or not it is, in fact, unusual, I cannot deny that
there is a significant spiritual element for me.
I have an eternal hope through the Lord Jesus Christ – hope
of life as it should be. There will come a time when imperfection will be swept
away – all evil, illness, pain, suffering, death, sadness, grief – all gone. I
will one day be free from cancer, and from all illness, for ever, and free from
the sin that plagues me. Death will be a distant memory, and not a lurking
fear. And life will be full of joy, full of the God of joy, the Creator of
everything good.
I know that God is in control over all things, so that
nothing frustrates Him or thwarts Him. And I know that He loves me as a
precious son (and I know how much I love my children, and His love must be
infinitely greater). So I know that whatever I go through now must be for my
good, even if I cannot see it directly.
And if my Saviour, Jesus, can submit himself to suffering
the pain of betrayal, torture, an agonising death and the wrath of God upon
sin, all for the sake of people like me, then how can I refuse to submit to
less if that is God’s will? I am a follower of Christ. And He didn’t just
happen to suffer. He came to suffer.
In facing all that, Jesus raised his eyes to the “joy that was
set before him” (Hebrews 12:2). And I am determined to do the same. I am also
determined that I must encourage others to seek out and discover that joy,
which is the joy of adoption as a son and heir by our Creator. It’s a joy that
is only available through faith in Jesus Christ, whose death removes the
barrier between the believer and God, the barrier of sin; and whose
resurrection gives us the hope of eternal life.
I don’t hold these things consciously in mind 24 hours a
day, but the knowledge of them helps to give me a positive outlook. If we know
that no matter what obstacles we meet along the way, however difficult or
frustrating, we are sure to attain our biggest and final objective, then those
obstacles will not seem so big. Short term pain is still pain, frustration is
still frustration, hardship is still hard. But none of my pains, frustrations
and hardships can prevent me from reaching the eternal joy that I mentioned
earlier. “… in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved
us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor
things present not things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor
anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God
in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:37-39)
There is an infinitely deep reservoir of hope for the
Christian, rooted in Jesus Christ, and promised in the Word of God. I know that
I have the rest of my life ahead of me, and that there may be even harder
times, times when I may not look or sound so cheerful or positive, times when
my heart aches, times when physical pain clouds almost every other thought. I
pray that the Lord will enable me to persevere, and strengthen me to fight to
keep drinking from that reservoir, to always fix my eyes upon Jesus and the joy
set before me.
